Back when the concept of body appreciation was in limbo in my life, I took every "you're-gaining-weight" comment post-eating disorder with such seriousness and distress. It's as if it triggers a panic button in my brain that makes me go haywire. I go through four stages every time I let these (now trivial) comments get to me. First stage: Depression. I mope and feel really terrible for allowing myself to gain weight. I feel like a failure and I succumb to self-loathing. Stage two: The I'm-So-Psyched-To-Lose-Weight phase. *cue Eye of the Tiger intro* I feel so determined to shed off the excess pounds by going on a crazy diet of having only water and crackers every meal or gatorade and a couple of cigarettes. Yes, I used to smoke, and I tried suppressing my hunger by smoking cigarettes when some people I knew then told me that smoking made them lose their appetite (looking back now, I realize how IDIOTIC that idea was). Third stage: The Static-Weighing-Scale stage. After weeks of dieting and having chronic headaches and dizziness, the scale still does not show any significant change in my weight. This makes me more frustrated than ever before, which leads me to the final stage which is the: Screw-It-I'm-Taking-Diet-Chemicals. I realize that "dieting" really won't make me lose the darned weight so I turn to the "magic" of diet pills/drinks--basically anything that claims to make people lose weight in the shortest period of time possible.
Here are the three common diet fads (arranged in order) that I've tried almost three years ago, way back when I was in denial that my body size was just meant to be bigger than other girls' (due to my large bone structure and genes).
Bangkok Pills
These pills are illegally sold because it contains Ephedrine, an asthma drug that is structurally similar to amphetamines or "speed". It is effective for weight loss because it increases metabolic rate, but it has never been FDA approved because of its negative side effects to the body. Bangkok pills also contain Fen Phen (a combination of two drugs, fenfluramine and phentermine), a then-popular appetite suppressant which is now banned after findings that it is linked to heart valve damage and primary pulmonary hypertension. The price of these pills depends on its strength to make you lose weight. The more weight it claims to reduce from your body in a month's time, the more expensive it is. There's Strong (claims to make your weight -5 pounds), Super Strong (-20 pounds), and Mega Strong (-30 to -40 pounds). The pills come in various sets of shapes and colors that must be taken in specific dosages at specific times of the day. I bought the strongest form of Bangkok pills that (supposedly) will make you 30-40 pounds lighter in a month's time. It cost me around P3000++. The effects of the Bangkok pills to me were loss of appetite (I probably consumed only 200-300 calories a day), dry mouth, insomnia, and palpitation. After the second week of taking the pills I also felt really weak and it was so hard for me to concentrate on anything. Danah (my twin) told me that I've been acting like a crazy bitch too, probably because it affected my hormones as well. Though I was able to lose 15 pounds in a month, I gained it all back two months after I discontinued taking the pills.
Diet Coffee
This is currently the most common diet fad women are into. A box of 18 sachets (good for 18 days) is only worth P200 to P300, probably why it's more popular nowadays because it's so affordable. Basically it's an appetite suppressant that comes in powder form that is used like any instant drink-- just mix it with water and viola! You have an instant weight reducer in a cup. The first time I drank it, I instantly lost my appetite. I needed to force myself to eat or I'd pass out. Most of the time I was just really thirsty when I was on this diet coffee. It gave me really bad hungry breath and sudden moments of extreme dizziness that there were times I was on the verge of blacking out. I noticed that I had no focus in class, I was irritable, I had a chronic headache and I always felt so weak and tired. My body coped through this by sleeping, so I took long naps everyday in the afternoon. I lost about 10 pounds in two to three weeks, but those 10 pounds were not fat (you need exercise to burn fat). Instead, I lost muscle mass, that's why I immediately gained the weight after I came to my senses that I'd save my health than be skinny. Oh wait, scratch that. I actually gained 15 pounds. 5 pounds more than the initial weight I had lost.
Laxatives
After being heavier than before, I stopped taking any of those diet drinks/pills and resorted to laxatives, justifying that laxatives aren't really diet pills so it's fine to take them. I took one dosage a few hours after meals. I did this for the first few days but decreased the dosage to only one pill before going to bed since I was just testing its effects (and I realized I didn't want to set off an impromptu explosion of crap in my pants). I didn't take note of how much weight I lost (if I did lose any) but I observed that I didn't gain more weight from days of continuous binging. However, after the first month, it took longer for the laxatives to work than the usual which was the following morning after taking one pill before bedtime. After I decided to increase the dosages to two pills, the effect of the laxative went back to normal. But during this point I was already having fears because I've become too dependent on the laxatives to stimulate my bowel movement. I tried stopping taking the laxatives but I became really constipated when I did. I relied on the pills to poop for another couple of weeks until I decided to remove it completely from my system in hopes of setting my body to its "default setting" and end my dependence on it. I got constipated for ONE WHOLE WEEK before my body finally let go of the toxins naturally from my body. Seriously.
Please know that I AM NOT posting these diet fads for you to go buy and try them out. That is definitely against the motive of this blog post. I'm not at all proud of subjecting my body to this kind of yo-yo dieting (or weight cycling) that I clearly knew was detrimental to my health, but I just wanted to expose this regretful time in my life
with the hopes of sparing you lovely ladies from wasting money and time, and endangering your health just to trim down your size. TAKE IT FROM ME, IT WAS UTTERLY NOT WORTH IT. (I'm so relieved and grateful that I'm fortunate enough not to be suffering from any of the serious
negative effects of weight cycling.)
Currently, I am on my way to totally loving every bit of myself--it's something I go through every single day--and I am by far and wide living a healthier lifestyle. I workout at least three times a week (I really enjoy boxing and playing Wii Fit!) and I make sure that I eat no less than one serving of fruits/veggies per day. I'm not looking forward to the weight I would be losing (that is, if my body would allow me to) because that will only leave me with frustration and hatred towards my body if it fails. So I've simplified my goal, and that's to feel good by living an active and healthy lifestyle that I actually enjoy living! :)
I don't have anything against people wanting to lose weight, but it's WHY you want to lose weight and HOW you will lose weight that I'm concerned about. If you HATE how your body looks and you're so disgusted by it, then looking after your health would be the last thing on your mind because you'd be so desperate to change how you look NOW. (And we all know that taking a shortcut to losing weight is always unhealthy.)
If you only agree to loving your body conditionally and find yourself thinking thoughts like "I'd love myself more if I was skinnier" or "I'd be much happier with how I looked if I had a more beautiful nose", then you haven't grasped with full genuineness the meaning of body appreciation and self-love. I went down that road before, thinking that I'd finally love my body and see myself as beautiful if and only if I was sans the extra fat. But it made me destroy who I was, and no amount of weight I lost made me feel secure. Despite 30 pounds off me (back when I had an eating disorder), I still withheld the love I deserved from myself because it still wasn't enough and I still wasn't satisfied. I continued comparing myself to other skinnier girls and secretly competed with them. I still did not get to love and accept myself when I've already become the size I aspired to be. So I tell you, begin on your journey to LOVE YOURSELF NOW and commit to it. By LOVE I mean ACCEPT the frame, shape, and size of your body; I mean RESPECT and TAKE CARE of it; I mean PUT YOUR HEALTH FIRST above all else.
If you want to lose weight because the boy you like is solely attracted to skinny girls, then he's a shallow human being who will not genuinely like/love you for your inner, wonderful self. You'd be replaced as soon as a thinner girl with bigger boobs comes along.
If you're working towards an unrealistic and unhealthy goal of losing 20 pounds a month and do whatever it takes to achieve it, you might as well discontinue the diet immediately because I assure you, you CANNOT and WILL NOT maintain that kind of diet/lifestyle. (Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm just saving you the trouble.) But if you're scoffing at this post because you have done it already, then try keeping your weight consistently that way for 5 years, because that's the amount of time needed to truly know that your diet worked fantastically and you have succeeded in keeping the weight off for good.
If you're on a diet of depriving yourself of certain foods that you love, might as well stop dieting too because I'm certain that one day you'll be running amok realizing that your favorite donut and your favorite ice cream are the best comfort food ever and you need them badly, ASAP!
My point is do something that works for you, and stop focusing on what you SHOULD be doing. Remove all notions that YOU SHOULD avoid eating this, and YOU SHOULD start doing that. Enjoy the food/s you love in moderation. (But if your physician restricts you of some foods because of any medical condition, PLEASE obey your doctor. J) Don't set an impractical deadline for your body to shed off the pounds. Stop focusing too much on the x lbs. you want to lose but focus on doing activities that you really like doing. You want to exercise but you hate the gym? It's completely fine. You can sweat to release happy hormones by dancing with your girlfriends or by walking your dog. Just find something that's not such a drag for you, something worthwhile for you, and just learn how to live and eat healthy at your own pace. Balance is key.
(Photo by Richard Wilkinson from http://www.curiousartist.com)
My hope is that as you free yourself from the pressure of losing weight, you get to know that scales only measure weight and not worth. I hope that as you love yourself bit by bit, you get to know of how inferior importance appearance is as compared to your character and personality. I hope that as you accept that your body is WHAT you are and not WHO you are, you learn to prettify your inner appearance first that will surely manifest your physical.
Keep lovin' that awesome body,
Stacy
